There's A Karmic Lesson Here Somewhere

This may turn out to be a rambling post.

I'm trying to reach a higher understanding of my poker abilities. I've been doing this for about 5 years, including a few breaks. I still enjoy my time at the felt, but I wonder aloud if it's ever going anywhere.

I spent the first half of last week playing Stud 8, with bad results. As I have said before, it's swingy. I experienced back to back -50BB sessions.
A-2-3-4-brick-brick-brick... it happened five times over these sessions.

In Stud I consider 50BB equal to one buy-in. There is more betting than Hold 'em or Omaha. You can lose 10BB one a single hand easily. Plus five hands folding on 3rd street equals -1BB.

The bad sessions don't really get me down. It's the absence of the good sessions that destroy my faith. My "M.O." during a losing streak is to become somewhat gun shy. Play shorter sessions with shorter stacks. Of course, this limits the amounts I can win (or lose).

I am very good about never playing outside of my bankroll. Perhaps too good. By being such a nit I never go busto, but I constantly struggle to reach beyond the micro limits. And I tire of playing the same limits even if the games are different.

Maybe someday I will grow a pair and go Waffles style (taking a shot much higher VERY under rolled).

The second half of the week I played Stud Hi with moderate success. I've earned back about 80% of my Stud 8 losses. I find the Stud Hi games to be much tighter, but much easier to multi-table. I'd like to tighten up my Stud skills and take them to the casino this summer.

I'm still tilted by the blatant ratholing. I call out anyone who does it at my table, and make sure everyone there knows about it. I'll play with a short stack if a known ratholer is at my table.

So I continue to grind, basically spinning my wheels. Going nowhere fast, here's a list of my recent poker thoughts:

1) I've had losing results for 2008. (Been very close to even a few times.)
2) I've been so unsuccessful in tournaments, I rarely play them unless they are value-added or have an overlay.
3) I think online poker is still profitable, but not at the stakes I'm currently playing.
4) My immediate goal is to grind a big enough bankroll to play live this summer.
5) Regardless of what any book or expert says, it appears hit & run poker is the most popular means of profit taking.
6) Although I am somewhat beaten down by my results, I still have a desire to improve my game.
7) I still want poker to be a part of my life, but I'm not sure where it belongs at the moment.
8) Although I think many players rely too much on data mining, poker software has made today's games MUCH tougher.
9) I actually think the most rampant cheating goes on in tournament poker, live AND online. It's only cheating if you get caught, right? (More on this another day.)

Well, it feels good to get that all out of my system. I really feel like I'm in a poker limbo. I've always said I would be happy being a totally anonymous player - making his daily nut and going home without fanfare. It would be cool to win a big event but who would you rather be: A) The one everyone wants to beat, or B) The "mark" who appears to be nothing but a chump, but still earns his share.