Blah. Best description I can come up with right now.
I've been trying to write this post for a few days. With a slew of snow storms hammering the northeast, depression is running high amongst the locals. I think everyone has a bout of seasonal affective disorder (or SAD for short) once a year.
The lack of sunshine and cold temps really seemed to hit me hard lately. I work from home so I can take comfort in my man cave, but you can't stay in the bio-dome forever.
However, it's not hard to overcome the winter blues by themselves. When you pile them on your other issues, then you have a nice, tall shit sandwich.
I'm not going to launch into a "woe is me" tirade, because I have a life many people would trade for in a heartbeat. For a single guy in Buffalo I'm living pretty high on the hog. I'm fortunate that I don't fall prey to needing all of the toys (or bling) to make my existence "significant".
In fact one of the few things I'm proud of is that my recent blessings of abundance haven't changed me much at all.
What I struggle with these days is my identity. I'm not sure how much of this is self-esteem related. I think it's more about what I'm involved in or engaged with at the moment.
Let's face it - most days I goof around on the Internet. I do make specific commitments to certain activities - fantasy sports, horse betting, blogging.
So when someone new asked me Friday "What do you do?", I still don't know what to say.
-I'm a professional horse player?
-Fantasy sports guru/occasional swinging dick?
-None of your goddamn business?
I usually go with the standard, "I work for myself. Internet marketing. (PAUSE) And it's not porn."
I do think my social skills suck, which may actually be the self-esteem manifesting itself.
But the fact I don't have a "go to" response pretty much shows I'm not really INVESTED in anything right now. (As I said before I know peeps that would very much like that situation.)
I feel that I'm trying to protect myself for making any mistakes with my life by NOT taking any risks (financial or otherwise).
I'm a smart guy but I feel it's stupid to do nothing significant with my life.
In other words, I'm a decision nit.